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Posts Tagged ‘Personal Notes’

Heart To Heart

Thursday, December 15th, 2011

ME

If you are not new to Creativity Prompt you are probably wondering why isn’t there anything new? Why haven’t I made any new layouts, mini books, cards, etc.

The truth is, I haven’t had the inclination to create anything physical, outside the boundaries of my computer, for a long, long time.

I’m not sure what is it that holds me back.

I have a ton of ideas. My brain is basically exploding.

I have so many things that I imagine making and planning all the steps and registering in my mind’s eye all the supply I will need in order to make these incredible stuff. But when push comes to shove, I just don’t do it.

It hurts me.

But I just don’t do.

I uploaded a scan of a caricature of my husband and I that an artist made in a recent holiday party we attended because when I see the sparkle this artist put in my eyes, I feel ashamed.

I feel that I’ve lost that sparkle.

I cannot pinpoint the reason for my current disinclination.

However I am pretty sure it has something to do with trying (and failing) to find a job as an attorney here, in California.

When I left Israel, first to Ireland and later to California, USA, I had left a great job that I liked and I was very good at. Very, very good.

After a few years of pursuing my artistic passions I longed to go back to practicing law. I missed the intellectual challenge as well as the look on my clients’ face when things worked out for them. I decided to study for the infamous California bar exam and lo and behold, I passed.

Academics were never an issue for me, but I looked at it as a signal that I can do well even if it’s not in my mother’s tongue. My intelligence quotient seems to translate to English (It should, as after all, it is a number).

Sadly, no one seems to give me a chance to prove it.

I feel that from something I became nothing and it saddens me. A. Lot.

I feel disappointed and even frightened that my move had severed my legal career.

Today I stumbled upon an old inspiration prompt I posted a few years ago: “Today Is The Day“.

I couldn’t have found it on a better time.

Just before the new year and soon after I have realized that I may have lost the sparkle in my eyes.

I am determined to find that fire and pursue it with all my might.

I hope I haven’t lost any of you by pouring my heart out…

My freebies will keep on coming!

Night Pondering – The Fleeting Time

Monday, September 26th, 2011

Us Kids

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and thoughts, random thoughts, start flooding my mind.

Last night I started thinking about time.

Time has an uncompromising attribute.

It never stands still.

Time is always moving forward (until time travel will be made possible…)

This hyperactive characteristic can also heal and nourish, when either one’s body or soul is aching.

However, sometimes this trait seem rigid and unforgiving. Almost spiteful.

Just a “few” years ago, my husband and I were little kids with dreamy eyes.

My husband had bright golden locks and I had soft brown hair.

Now we are grown ups.

We still have dreams but our dreams are more practical and less fantastical.

We rarely think about magic realms anymore. OK, never.

Time is just slipping through our fingers.

We cannot get a grip on time. We cannot hold on to a moment.

We just do our best to exhaust the moment we are in.

This is what time is like.

Stressful yet salutary.

Time is fleeting.

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What is your take on time?

Unleashing The Creative Child Within You
Back when we were kids creativity came naturally to us. Everything was possible and our prolific imagination was the only limit we knew.
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Your inner creative child wants to come out and play, so click here to get “Unleashing The Creative Child Within You” now.

This Is Why I Disappeared On February…

Tuesday, May 17th, 2011

Passed the bar

Who knew…

Grandma, This Is How I Remember You

Thursday, May 5th, 2011

Grandma, This Is How I Remember You

[Fonts: Little Days, Hobo and Adler.]

In the left photo you can see my grandma holding her first born, my mother (circa 1948) and on the right you can see me and grandma at the park near her home (circa 1988). 40 years apart – still beautiful.

Let me tell you some more about my grandmother.

She was born in Poland to an affluent family of merchants and Jewish scholars.

Her family was ultra-orthodox, Chassidic. Her parents had 10 children in total.

When she was a young adult she started questioning her parents’ Chassidic ways and had secretly joined a more secular Zionist group.

She was very careful not to hurt her father’s feelings and would leave home wearing long sleeved shirts and long skirts and then change into more modern apparel and meet with her Zionist friends.

Not long afterward she fell in love with a beautiful young student who shared her modern viewpoint and after awhile they got engaged.

Sadly, her beloved fiance was caught “in the line of fire” in an outburst against the Jews in the community and was hanged then and there in the center of the neighborhood.

She was heartbroken but determined to keep on living.

Just a couple years later, WW2 started and Hitler occupied Poland.

My grandma remembered the day the Nazis came to her neighborhood and started lining up all the jews. She and her family members ran out into the chilling evening and into the woods.

My grandma had blond hair and blue eyes and was well educated [thus fluent in Polish and Russian] so she could pass for a non-jew, which was what had saved her life and prevented her from the destiny of most of her other family members [very unsettling but true].

She was hidden for about a year, working as a potato peeler in a remote peasants’ inn until someone found out she is Jewish and asked for things she refused to give in return for his silence…

She took off immediately and ran towards the Russian border, where she was caught as an enemy of the country [being Polish…] and sent to a hard labor camp in Siberia.

In Siberia she had to stand all day with light clothes and thin soled shoes and cut trees, in the burning cold (up to minus 40 degrees in the wintertime). She received a portion of 1 coarse loaf of stale bread and 1 cup of water a day and watched hundreds of people give up and die – every single day. But my grandmother endured until the war was over.

Then she came back to Germany and got reunited with her brother. Only 2 brothers had survived the Holocaust (and 1 sister who had left for Israel before the war started and survived as well).

In Germany she met my grandfather who had lost his family as well. They fell in love and got married and had my mother while they were still living in Berlin.

Thereafter my grandparents left Berlin and came to Israel where they started their own restaurant in downtown Haifa and they had both lived in Haifa until their last day.

My grandma was a hard working woman and a survivor. She had strong determination to work as long as she could.

My grandma also had the type of charisma that drew people towards her wherever she went and whatever she did.

She was a generous person who always loved to host as many guests as possible and prepare noteworthy dinners for everyone.

She had led a long, laborious but fulfilling life – a real inspiration to everyone.

Thank You

Thursday, April 28th, 2011

Thank you so very much for your big and kind heart.

I appreciate all your comments and e-mails.

They are very comforting in this time of sorrow.

I want to reply to each and every one of your heartfelt condolences, but I feel too sad to say anything back.

Please do not interpret my silence as neglect. I read each and every comment and take it to heart.

I love you all!

Avital.

In Her Memory

Wednesday, April 27th, 2011

Yesterday I came back from a homeland visit and welcoming me back were the news of my grandmother’s passing.

In these sad moments I had some comfort in the fact that just the day before I managed to visit her at the hospital and say my mental goodbye.

Visiting her was a hard decision for me.

I remember my grandmother as a beautiful, beautiful woman, always taking pride in her impeccable appearance.

She had beautiful blond hair and big blue-gray eyes. I wish I had some photos with me so I could show you how gorgeous she was. Every picture looks like it was taken on the red carpet in a Hollywood-ian premiere.

When I was young she used to take me home from kindergarten and later from school and spend the day with me until my father picked me up in the evening or in the late afternoon.

She would go over the yellowing pictures and tell me the stories behind the 2-D photos and then she would start telling me stories she made up or read in Polish and translated for me.

Her patience was endless and she kept going and going and never grew tired of telling me all these marvelous stories that I enjoyed so much.

I am sure she had contributed to my love of story telling just as much as my parents have.

When I was a teenager she got Alzheimer and little by little she grew smaller and smaller until she became just a shadow of her glorious self.

In my mind’s eye she was beautiful and glamorous and it was difficult for me to watch her being anything else.

At the hospital she was hardly breathing, half comatose.

I looked at her and tears started pushing at my eyelids and a big knot started forming in my throat. I could hardly say a word.

Watching her shriveled in an impersonal hospital bed broke my heart.

Her eyes were partly closed and the light taken out of them. Her big beautiful eyes weren’t glowing anymore.

I said “Hello, grandmother” and for a split second I thought she might have heard me. Her eyebrows raised and then dropped again.

I tried to touch her, gently, but she pulled back, as if my gentle stroke was hurting her.

I wanted to sing to her. I wanted to sing the Polish song she taught me as a child “Zashale Gurale”, but I couldn’t say a word. I just looked at her, silently, and sang it in my heart. Hoping she had somehow heard me.

I am glad I had the chance to see my grandmother, just a couple days before her passing but I don’t want to ever remember seeing her like that.

For me my grandmother, Gutta, would always be that beautiful lady.

Wearing pink lipstick and a fabulous dress or a figure hugging suit, putting to shame the fashionistas on “Mad Men”.

For me she would always have light in her eyes and lots of spirit.

Telling me stories in half (or quarter…) Hebrew and half Yiddish and Polish (languages that I have never understood).

For me she would always be the grandmother who asks me if I want a piece of cake and then making the cake from scratch, just for me.

She would always be the grandmother who brings huge jars of scrumptious handmade cookies that disappear in a matter of hours.

She would always be that grandmother. For me.

I love you, savta. May you rest in peace.

In The Wee Hours Of The Night

Tuesday, December 7th, 2010

Sunrise

In the wee hours of the night, when the entire world (or at least my slice of it) is silent,
I find myself wide awake and my mind starts shouting.
Thoughts and worries and judgements are flooding me from within, loudly voicing their disapproval.
I toss and turn and try to shut them off but they stubbornly resurface, obnoxiously and selfishly.
I try to sleep only to become more and more alert.
I think about everything I have to do and everything I should have done but haven’t.
I want to be the one that does it all, effortlessly.
I want to sleep through the night without a worry in mind.
But I am not that person and I can’t.
I have so much in life.
Most of it is love.
Wonderful and pure love.
I am so grateful for that.
But all I can think about is the bads and the wrongs and the can-nots.
Mornings are so beautiful, so pristine – but I’m dreading my mornings again.
Dreading the work I have ahead of me and work I must put on the back burner for a while.
I try to stay awake as long as I can, as late as my eyes can keep open.
I try to weary myself, to bring myself to exhaustion.
I try everything I can to keep me from waking up in the middle of the night when everything is silent.
But I can’t.
Thus, in the wee hours of the night, when everything is silent,
My mind starts screaming out loud.

How are your wee hours of the night? Does your mind starts shouting whenever silence spreads around?

I Am Back From Aloha Land

Friday, December 3rd, 2010

Maui, Hawaii

Hi everyone,

I have been away…

For the last 10 days I have been in Maui, Hawaii and just came back today.

It was wonderful!

We were hiking – to the edge of our (or my) abilities (12 miles hike from dawn till afternoon).
We were ziplining, hanging between heaven and earth.
We were hanging at the beach, reading and bathing in the cool ocean water as well as the warm sun rays.
We had great food with wonderful traditional songs and costumes.
We were climbing mountains and going down deep craters.
We walked on black sand beaches and red sand beaches, created by the volcano eruptions.
We walked through bamboo forests and lush vegetation.
We saw numerous rainbows – half rainbows, full rainbows and even double rainbows.

We had a blast and now I need a vacation from my vacation…

Though I don’t get to have one.

I have another personal challenge ahead of me and it will be time consuming and nerve-wracking, all over again.

However, I have a ton of renewed energy and high spirits.

I hope you all have been doing great!

I missed you.

A Visit From Home

Thursday, August 19th, 2010

Visit From Home

[Digital Kit: KD Rousti by Karla Dudley.]

My mom and dad have flown 7,528 miles to visit me in California.

Both their main flight and in-land connection flight were 3 hour late. Each.

I was sooooo excited to meet them here at last so I can show them around and speak to them.
So when we picked them up at the airport at 1 a.m. last week, I was ecstatic.

My parents are currently staying at our place and I try to do my best in hosting them but it is definitely a challenge.

I am hopeful that when they leave they will return home happy and with the understanding that I did my best to keep them entertained, happy as well as healthy… Or in other words, they will know everything I do – even the stupidest thing – is done with the best intentions.

Therefore I will be less available during the next few weeks and there will probably be less posts up – but stay tuned because I have awesome things coming up on September.

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I’d love to get your advise on how to entertain my loved and loving guests without becoming overwhelmed (and insane)… Please leave a comment and help me :)

P.S.

The layout I made was created with Karla Dudley’s newest release: KD Rousti. Check out the kit, it’s AWESOME!!! The photos were taken with my parents’ point and shoot camera at Point Lobos, CA.

Welcome Little One Workshop
Check out Creativity Prompt’s new and unique self paced workshop: “Welcome Little One”. This workshop will provide you with everything you need, and then some, to make a fabulous handmade mini album to record the first moments of a new born baby.

Finally, A Breath Of Fresh Air And A New Layout

Saturday, July 31st, 2010

Celebrate Every Day

[Fonts: Helvetica, Adler; Digital Kits: Bazinga by Shimelle Laine and Digi Essentials by Karla Dudley.]

I took a personal challenge which took me away from my blog for a while. I had no time. No weekends. Almost no summer – but worse than all of that – absolutely no time, not even a few stolen minutes, to create.

Now I finally got my “freedom” and with it more time and a layout…

After a long pause in creating anything I feel rusty. I am not pleased with my layout but I am always giving myself permission to let go. Creating should be fun and not frustrating, so all the pressure gets tossed out and only the beautiful stories and enjoyment of the hobby get to stay in.

The important thing, in my opinion, is showcasing my nephew’s series of pictures that tells a story I remember fondly. The pictures remind me of that evening, celebrating his birthday on our first visit home after we have moved far away. I remember how he ravished the cake and enjoyed every little piece of it. A joy so pure, only a child knows how to experience it.

I don’t mind if the layout isn’t the prettiest of them all (what an understatement…) – at least I had a chance of playing with Shimelle’s fresh and summary kit, Bazinga.

Having said that, in a week and a half, my parents will cross the ocean and two continents to visit us here for the first time. They will stay with us for three weeks of much anticipated together time. Therefore I am not sure how steady will my posting schedule be, but I have so much planned. So many new tutorials, giveaways and a couple new workshops – so please be patient with me – I am sure you will be rewarded for that.

See you all real soon :)