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Heart To Heart

December 15th, 2011 by Avital

ME

If you are not new to Creativity Prompt you are probably wondering why isn’t there anything new? Why haven’t I made any new layouts, mini books, cards, etc.

The truth is, I haven’t had the inclination to create anything physical, outside the boundaries of my computer, for a long, long time.

I’m not sure what is it that holds me back.

I have a ton of ideas. My brain is basically exploding.

I have so many things that I imagine making and planning all the steps and registering in my mind’s eye all the supply I will need in order to make these incredible stuff. But when push comes to shove, I just don’t do it.

It hurts me.

But I just don’t do.

I uploaded a scan of a caricature of my husband and I that an artist made in a recent holiday party we attended because when I see the sparkle this artist put in my eyes, I feel ashamed.

I feel that I’ve lost that sparkle.

I cannot pinpoint the reason for my current disinclination.

However I am pretty sure it has something to do with trying (and failing) to find a job as an attorney here, in California.

When I left Israel, first to Ireland and later to California, USA, I had left a great job that I liked and I was very good at. Very, very good.

After a few years of pursuing my artistic passions I longed to go back to practicing law. I missed the intellectual challenge as well as the look on my clients’ face when things worked out for them. I decided to study for the infamous California bar exam and lo and behold, I passed.

Academics were never an issue for me, but I looked at it as a signal that I can do well even if it’s not in my mother’s tongue. My intelligence quotient seems to translate to English (It should, as after all, it is a number).

Sadly, no one seems to give me a chance to prove it.

I feel that from something I became nothing and it saddens me. A. Lot.

I feel disappointed and even frightened that my move had severed my legal career.

Today I stumbled upon an old inspiration prompt I posted a few years ago: “Today Is The Day“.

I couldn’t have found it on a better time.

Just before the new year and soon after I have realized that I may have lost the sparkle in my eyes.

I am determined to find that fire and pursue it with all my might.

I hope I haven’t lost any of you by pouring my heart out…

My freebies will keep on coming!

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39 Comments to “Heart To Heart”

  1. Nancy says:

    Oh, my dear Avital! You are a very brave young woman! Thank you so much for your sharing…I learned a lot about you today! I didn’t know that you were an attorney…and you ARE an attorney…even if you are not employed as one just now. Please keep in mind that times are difficult for many people right now in the US. There are many Americans that are struggling to find jobs a in their professional fields. English is even their first language. It’s just a difficult time for many, but things will get better! You just hang in there! As for the art…you ARE an artist! Sometimes…of we let it…sadness will creep in and steal our JOY away! Along with it, goes our motivation to create. I would encourage you to surround yourself with people and things that bring you JOY and even make you laugh. You will suddenly find yourself inspired to create…the sparkle will be back in your eye! Just give it time, Sweetie, all will be well!…Nancy :)
    (The caricature of the two of you is adorable!)

    • Avital says:

      Thank you SO much, Nancy. I really appreciate the people in my life. They certainly add joy and love to my life. I am just missing that feel of content, of being recognized, of being invited to any firm I want and being accepted… I don’t want to lose that.

      Your words have really warmed my heart – thank you again, thank you so much! Avital

  2. Anne-Marie says:

    I agree with every word already written by your previous commentator…..you are so obviously a vibrant, intelligent, creative woman….please don’t let this arid time in your creativity have too much of an effect on your opinion of yourself….we are our own worse judges, aren’t we?
    I know exactly how you feel….my career was in teaching (Medieval English)and taking time out to raise my children knocked me back by years…but was totally worth it.
    I do have a few regrets, but decided that I could dwell on the negatives, or embrace all that was positive in my life….easier said than done, but I did it, and now enjoy every aspect of my life….and so will you…..just try to have faith in yourself….our skills are never wasted…we just may have to adjust them to our current situations…..you WILL find a way!
    Good luck, sweetie…you are very much appreciated!

  3. Melanie Kiser says:

    I can’t really add anything to what the others have said … but something will come along. Maybe ‘it’ is just waiting for the right time?

  4. roxanne says:

    I feel too I’ve lost my sparkle. Facing the holidays with not enough money in my pocket, a job I’m less than thrilled going to everday, and missing my boys while I slave the day away. I have grand ideas of creative things I want to do, but have no desire nor energy to do them. Know you’re not alone and I completely relate. While I have a job, its not fulfilling. Not in the way it used to be. I’m sorry you’re going they this too. I hope that you find a job soon that fulfills you how you need it to!!!! Hugs and kudos for being brave enough to pour your heart out. I have a shirt that says, I wear my heart on my sleeve…how alike are we?!

    • Avital says:

      We are life-twins :)

      Thanks so much for your kindness. I hope that we both find a fulfilling job that will make us happy and content. New year – new possibilities – right?

  5. I have recently found this out: everyone has their personal demons. We all tend to think that someone else’s life is rosier or more perfect and content than our own life, yet that person is also battling something in his or her life that is less than what they had hoped for. My oldest child has challenged me for the past several years…he’s a brilliant, good kid making less than stellar choices and it pains me. I firmly believe that Everything Happens For A Reason. We may not understand the why or how of it, but eventually, at some point it always makes sense and we look back and think, this is why. This tidbit of advise from a 47-year old Mom of 3 doesn’t help you find a job, or probably even make you feel better about your situation, but know that you are not alone and that we are all out here keeping you in our prayers and thinking a special little thought for you as you search for fulfillment. Blessings.

    • Avital says:

      Monika, I appreciate your advice. Quite a bit :) I guess everyone has good and bad (demons) in their life. It takes a great will to only concentrate on the good and not pay attention to the bad. But as all demons do, they creep out on us and grabs attention – by putting their tongues out and clamoring. I have so much good in my life – a wonderful husband, a loving family, an ever-expanding readership on my blog, great friends, exotic travels – but I get “desparkled” by unanswered cover-letters (which may be for the best)… I should really get myself together. Thanks again!

  6. Trece Wyman says:

    Avital, you are a Phenomenal Woman!! An attorney, with admission to practice in several nations (!!), an extremely talented artist, a generous soul, who creates and shares this with a vast public, plus being a mom, a wife, a child of God. WOW!! I am sorry that it is being difficult to find a job. Perhaps this time is to be a gift to you? Have a joyous Hanukkah, eat some latkes for me, and celebrate you into 2012. (((((HUGS)))))

    • Avital says:

      Thank you so much, Trece. You are wonderful. [By the way, I’m not a mom yet… :) ] It it so nice of you to lift my spirits with such sweet words!

  7. Judy says:

    I agree with Trece’s comments plus one other comment that “Everything happens for a reason”. My mantra is: “It could be a lot worse”. Life has its challenges and like you I’m in a rut right now – what works for some may not necessarily work for others. I’ve tried to regain my energy and overcome fibromyalgia since my burnout from work 10 years ago! I’m really working on trying to not procrastinate and have found that setting time limits on various activities (computer, reading, cleaning, de-cluttering and paperwork) does help for awhile and then another hiccup comes up and I’m back to square none again. Please let me know your success when you discover a method that gets you “back in the groove” of things. Thanks for sharing!

    • Avital says:

      Thank Judy! I hope you feel better now. I should really concentrate more on the good in my life than on the one bad thing that’s happening right now. [Or perhaps it isn’t bad after all…]

      I am trying to find something that will rekindle my enthusiasm and at the moment I’m exploring Calligraphy. The work I’ve done for my printables has reminded me how I used to love doing it [Though I did Hebrew Calligraphy… but still.]

      Just take one thing you feel strongly about and go for it.

  8. Tina S says:

    Oh, my dear Avital! This heaviness does seem to be going around, doesn’t it? I am in a similar situation in terms of not being able to find work in my field (or in any field!) and feeling less than creative. The holidays are upon us and our sparkle is fading fast. I know that you are a wonderfully creative woman who is intelligent and frustrated. As a 51 year old woman I can honestly say that this is one of those famous valleys you’ve heard about. Rest and breathe. You will rejuvinate and life will be better than you ever dreamed it could be! Take it from someone who has been through a few valleys. The mountaintop is on the other side! God bless.

  9. I don’t have any advice for you my Sweet sweet Friend!
    To me you have and always will have the sparkles!
    ALWAYS.

  10. melissa says:

    well i live in canada and don’t know the real economy that is there for you but for us it isn’t as bad. I love you creativiy for the computer, I love what you share. You can take that and use it with your scrapbooking and go digital, or hybrid. As for the career try thinking out of the box, try an advice column online, and see if you can start a career from there. With some of the economy free advice right now may be a good foot in the door sort approach into what you want and then you can put a donation link on a blog and then if it is something that requires more time than what you set as a reasonable “free” advice then you can tell them that you will have to start a rate fee due the amount of time it will take to provide an adequate answer. This is something that you can do from home and when you go to a prospective employer and they ask you what you have done recently in your field you can tell them. You can see if this works for you.

    • Avital says:

      Thank you so much for your kind words and your great suggestion, Melissa. I will take that into consideration! I was thinking about doing some volunteering work anyway… xo

  11. Jamie says:

    You always seem to sparkle to me…your heart is just so generous and you contribute so much to us in the “blogosphere”. I can’t help but think that good things will happen to you – even if it happens in a timeline other than what you might pick. Hang in there. You have many prayers being directed your way right now. From one of your many admirers…Jamie in AZ!

  12. Eileen says:

    Thank you so much for opening your heart – what a brave and honest thing to do! I agree with the sentiments already expressed – you are obviously an intelligent, creative, generous spirit who is blessing many others with your gifts. I too am going through a tough time – I have a full-time job working with extremely challenging teens in an urban school(with increasing demands and expectations from ‘the powers that be’), married, raising kids, etc. and in the midst of last week, my mom suddenly passed away. I am finding working on my crafts, which many do not see the value in, to be so healing. My mom loved looking through my scrapbooks and always enjoyed listening to me talk about something I enjoy doing. This year I had been trying to do a modified December Daily, and had joined Journal Your Christmas to try to savor and record what, to me and my family, is a sacred holiday, and frankly, I just don’t know how to proceed with recording this event. I can’t even read sympathy cards right now – just too painful, but yet, I believe my Mom is in a better place and I know in the midst of this pain, my Savior carries me and will sustain me.
    May the LORD our Father bless you and your husband as you journey through this difficult time in your life. And I hope you will not be offended if I offer, as a Gentile, an Old Testament blessing: Numbers 6:24-26: YHWH bless you and keep you. YHWH make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. YHWH lift up His face upon you and give you SHALOM. In the name of Yeshua haMashiyach SAR SHALOM – the Prince of Peace.

    • Avital says:

      Thank you so much for sharing, Eileen, and thanks for your encouraging words. I am so sorry for your loss.

  13. Cindy Hubbard says:

    I am glad that you opened your heart to your public. I think your feelings are a very normal reaction to your present situation. I was in a similar situation many years ago and my sister said, “Perhaps you are right where you need to be, whatever that reason may be” Just know in your heart, that you will find your way. I feel your incredibly generous with your sharing and thank you for that.

  14. Linda J says:

    Avita, you add so much to our lives with your creativity. Take the time during the holiday season to reflect on yourself and your heart will guide you. You are an amazing woman, and you WILL find your way!

    • Avital says:

      Thank you so much, Linda. Knowing that my work has found its way to your hearts means the world to me!

  15. Linda says:

    I absolutely love all your freebies & projects, you are an amazing artist! I just wanted to say that the law field is really difficult right now & it is no reflection on you, I am currently a law student at a top school in NYC and many people are having difficulties finding even unpaid internships… good luck, I’m sure something will work out for you!!

    • Avital says:

      Thanks so much, Linda. The shortage in legal jobs’ supply is unbelievable. I hope you will find the job of your dreams as soon as you pass the bar exam! Good luck!

  16. j says:

    i appreciate your talent and generosity – hope you find that spark soon.

  17. Carmen Lucero says:

    Avital, I’ve been in your shoes several times and I find that if I start rearranging my work space I find “new” old things hiding behind other new things that get me distracted. You never know, it may lead to new ideas and a new sparkle back in your life.

    I wish you the best and look forward to better and brighter ideas – by the way, thanks so much for all the freebies you have provided throughout the years. I use many of them to make journals and the recipients love them, thanks to your generosity.

    Hugs, and best wishes,

    Carmen L

    • Avital says:

      Thanks, Carmen! That’s a great advice! As for the printables, you are very welcome ad thanks for stopping by and caring <3

  18. Tina B. says:

    Avital, I concur with all of the above comments. I live in Alberta, Canada and unlike the rest of the world, our economy is booming. We have more work than people to fill the vacancies in ALL fields. You may want to consider moving here. In the meantime, have faith in God. He will provide.
    May God bless you with everything good and wonderful.
    Tina B.

    • Avital says:

      Thank you so much, Tina! I really appreciate your kind words and support – as well as your good advice. The thing is that my husband is doing very well, here in the Bay Area…

  19. Charity says:

    I just found your site and really like what you offer here. I just purchased the planner for 2012 and will have fun making that. I also wanted to say to you that what you think is your calling may not be so. What I mean is that you may be meant to practice law but maybe in another way…. maybe teaching, counseling artists. Since I don’t know what you field of law is, it is just a suggestion. Don’t be dismayed though. I was laid off back in 2008. I went from angry, to dismayed and feeling betrayed to determined to show them (ha ha ha) to becoming a self taught freelance computer graphic artist and jewelry designer. Who knew!?!?! I certainly did not. I wanted to write children’s books in my next life. I still might…lol. My point is that if you keep looking for what you think you are missing out on, you might also be missing out on the next blessing that is waiting for you to discover it. You seem to be a very giving person, who knows what that next new discovery will be or where it will take you.
    Stay Blessed and remember you are more than lifted on wings of hope, well wishes and love.
    Charity

    • Avital says:

      Thank you so much, Charity! Your words are words of wisdom. I should always look forward, never back… [By the way, I practiced international business law back then]

  20. Sonichi says:

    Do not lose hope, sooner or later everything will return to its place, are bad times and Christmas is a time of joy and sadness, but do not stop trying, you get it. A strong kiss you.