In the wee hours of the night, when the entire world (or at least my slice of it) is silent,
I find myself wide awake and my mind starts shouting.
Thoughts and worries and judgements are flooding me from within, loudly voicing their disapproval.
I toss and turn and try to shut them off but they stubbornly resurface, obnoxiously and selfishly.
I try to sleep only to become more and more alert.
I think about everything I have to do and everything I should have done but haven’t.
I want to be the one that does it all, effortlessly.
I want to sleep through the night without a worry in mind.
But I am not that person and I can’t.
I have so much in life.
Most of it is love.
Wonderful and pure love.
I am so grateful for that.
But all I can think about is the bads and the wrongs and the can-nots.
Mornings are so beautiful, so pristine – but I’m dreading my mornings again.
Dreading the work I have ahead of me and work I must put on the back burner for a while.
I try to stay awake as long as I can, as late as my eyes can keep open.
I try to weary myself, to bring myself to exhaustion.
I try everything I can to keep me from waking up in the middle of the night when everything is silent.
But I can’t.
Thus, in the wee hours of the night, when everything is silent,
My mind starts screaming out loud.
How are your wee hours of the night? Does your mind starts shouting whenever silence spreads around?
Tags: Personal Notes
I had serious issues with exactly this thing for a number of years after I passed menopause. I finally have (mostly) conquered the issue with two steps: I gave up caffeine entirely … and, when I do wake up, I design quilts in my head until I fall asleep again.
My heart goes out to you!
Linda
Thank you. If only I had more sleep I would manage to achieve much more. It’s such a vicious cycle.
I’ve become freinds with the stillness of the wee hours of the night…time to write inermost thoughts… uninterrupted, maybe with a cup of warm milk or tea with honey. Set your mind on something else…read a few pages of one of your favorite books…count the stars and wonder.
I love it! That is just perfect.
This is what I call excellent lemonade…
Wow! I was just thinking last night if there’s anyone out there that is like me! I’m not alone! Thanks for sharing.
Oh no, you are definitely not alone 🙂
Meditate… This will teach you to shut your mind. In the mean while try breathing slowly while counting (inhaling on the count of 3-4 and exhaling on the count of 6-8), close your eyes and imagine the colour black. I know how hard it is-these used to be my nights for many years. The key for changing it is to have your days more fulfilling and satisfying and you content with yourself. My personal observations of course.
Thanks! Concentrating on the color black might actually help, as in my head this color is silent…
this screams loudly to me as proof that sometimes in the wee hours is the only time God can get our attention! i think the voices of disapproval are those of our enemy wanting to keep us from hearing the still small voice of our loving God! This began for me in 1992 and it hasn’t stopped since!! when i am exhausted i beg for Him to let me sleep, but when i am somewhat rested and the thoughts of creativity and productivity overwhelm me i ask…would You like me to write this down? is this part of Your plan for my day or week ahead? sometimes i believe He is planting dreams that won’t come to pass for years! God is a dreamer! He is a Creator! He is a visionary! He created us IN HIS IMAGE! WOW! isn’t it exciting? i have cried from frustration in these moments, and i have leaped with joy inside that God wants to be alone with me at the moments when my family is asleep!! He desires to capture my heart! He knows how obsessed i am with productivity and that it’s only in the wee hours He can get my attention! My heart and soul were moved by your writing and i had to respond! thank you!
Wow, Lori! Thanks so much for sharing your own experience and amazing thoughts.
This is beautiful Avital.
Thank you!